Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
