I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
