One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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