I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
as a side note pls kill me
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
