It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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