he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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