Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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