Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
