i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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