The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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