I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
