12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
