Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
