had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
