girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize