theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
