it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
