I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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