I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
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