I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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