it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
