I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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