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I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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