Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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