As shirtless as possible
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
