If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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