Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
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She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
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How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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