All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
