i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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