Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
