It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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