I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Hello my rib-scented angel!
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
