i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
