but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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