I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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