remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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