If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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