I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
