just survived the first fart of the relationship.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
