Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Ketchup is God's man juice
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
