I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
