No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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