I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
