Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
