the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
