Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
