there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
