upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
do herpes really smell.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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