I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
