a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
