I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
