Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
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Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
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AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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