My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
