a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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