I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
